Online, most of us are so exposed (of our own volition): emotionally, professionally, even physically (what would the porn industry be without the avalanche of happy amateurs). Yet, without basic trust protocols protecting us very little of what the web has evolved into, particularly social media, would EVER have spawned. You may love taking your clothes off - but odds are, you’re not going to do it while strolling down the main road.
We WANT to share what we’re good at, to give freely of our best. Sometimes - wow - we’ll even do it for free! All safely contained within the abundant bounty of CAPITALISM. (Opensource being the pinnacle of sophisticated economic structure.. the best extreme of applied capitalism). What is participation culture & crowdsourcing if not this potent force in action.
We all have a fundamental need for unique expression (identity) coupled with a need for recognition & belonging. Characterful & creative people have to be naked to some degree when sharing their ideas/concepts/efforts: it’s not always a safe space, but the risk:reward ratio is balanced by TRUST.
Trust is a paradoxical thing, so much of it happens in an instant. blink
Yet it takes ages to really EARN trust. This is something that can only be defined through whether we PROVE ourselves trustworthy when adversity or temptation present.
Because trust is so valuable personally and professionally, when we feel like someone has betrayed our trust, it is interpreted as a direct survival threat by the primitive part of our elegant multilayered human brain. Fight or flight response hits the red alert.. and we burst into flame. Anger & adrenaline flood our cells & the fight ensues>>
But what we may not realise is that
ALL anger = stepping over someone?s rules. simple.
Assuming that we all share the same reality or everyone shares the same rules as us about what is right or wrong can translate into feeling pretty angry & victimized, a lot of the time!
Even if we share the same outlook, values or really give a damn about one another, there’s no guarantee we will always agree. Rules about what we do & how we do it are just agreements.
Anytime we get angry it’s because someone has overstepped what we believe is right by our perception (all relative to our education, culture, experience, religion blah blah) therefore we have to AGREE between us what is acceptable practice (our code of ethics) to achieve peace and creative productivity.
“If people who have to work together in an enterprise trust one another because they are all operating according to a common set of ethical norms, doing business costs less.” –Francis Fukuyama
Practically we only discover each others rules only by stumbling over a trap-line or tootle innocently into a minefield. No matter how well you think you know somebody (you’ve been married to someone for 8 years so how could they POSSIBLY not know that that pisses you off!), no matter how much you love or understand someone you’ll hit a rules rock somewhere. sometime.
Even getting angry at ourselves is overstepping our own rules designed to keep us safe or healthy - eg. I am NOT going to have wine at the geekdinners
Rules are based on their beliefs about the way the world should operate - which maybe quite close to their heart, so don?t go trying to change them. It only makes the inflammation worse. Just understand that it?s different from yours. Polishing till we see each other clearly requires friction. Expect heat.
In these matters ’tis best not to employ the Othello model (in fact almost every Shakespearian tragedy is based on the sequence: incorrect assumption, rage, death, find the truth out too late, regret …oops).
Fellow modern humans - we no longer have to wait for the footman/postman/chinese telephone to find out. Get on it (though as Mike pointed out IM may not be the perfect comms platform to sort out your arguments).
If, after enquiry, you find that your new opponent has mindfully stepped onto your hallowed ground with poo on their shoe - then you are indeed justified to employ whatever strategic means of warfare at your disposal.
But damn well -find out first- before unleashing your inner Dr Doom.
Stuff I learnt this week >>
Rules for passionate people to avoid a big bad hairy temperfest:
- Assume nothing
- Don’t take it personally
- Communicate until you have clarity.
[Reminder to self: read Thick Face, Black Heart
Oh Max, if only I had read this a few months ago. I would have, in your words, avoided a big bad hairy temperfest ( I just love that ).
An excellent post, well done.